Everybody Loves Balthier
by RenegadeZabuzaMomochi
Summary: After the final battle with Vayne, Balthier and Fran are expecting, Penelo and Vaan are engaged, Basch learns how to tie his shoes and Ashe becomes a Muslim. Join in on the adventure, on Everyone Loves Balthier!
1. Chapter 1

**Everybody Loves Balthier**

After the events taken place on the sky-fortress _Bahamut_, and after everything has returned back to the way it was before the Archadian occupation, we now join our favorite sky pirate and Viera.

Balthier: Fran? Fran!

Getting no response, Balthier gets up from his chair and heads over to the kitchen, finding Fran looking at the calendar.

Balthier: Fran, I was calling you.

Fran: Sorry, Balthier. I was just checking the calendar.

Balthier: For what? Are you expecting a baby?

Fran: Yes.

Balthier: ... What?

Fran: I have an appointment with Dr. Cid on Thursday.

Balthier: It's not even April Fool's, Fran.

Fran: So?

Balthier: What's with the jokes?

Fran: I'm not kidding.

Balthier: Oh.

Balthier knocks out.

Fran: Balthier?! Balthier! Somebody, call an ambulance!

Nono: What do I look like, a secretary?

Fran: (Narrows eyes.)

_Meanwhile, back at Migelo's Sundries._

Penelo: It's hard to believe a year has passed.

Vaan: Didn't you already say that during the ending of Final Fantasy XII?

Penelo: Oh, yeah. (Blushes.)

Kytes: I can't believe you two are getting married!

Ashe: Neither can I.

Penelo: Hi, Ashe! What brings you down here?

Ashe: Bored. Plus, I ran out of sundae pies so I decided to vent my frustration out on your fiancé.

Vaan: Oh, great...

Ashe starts chasing Vaan with the Excalibur while Vaan throws potions and elixers at her.

Ashe: Yaaargh! (Pounds chest.)

King Kong: Oh, I like her! (Eyes Ashe.)

Vaan: Stay away from me, you beast! I helped you get your throne back!

Ashe: No, you didn't. All you did was complain about your dead brother--

Reks: At least he doesn't forget about his relatives. (Burps.)

Ashe: --then ran away with the Strahl.

Penelo: He didn't run away with the Strahl. Besides, you were there, too, Ashe.

Vaan: Yeah!

Ashe: No one was talking to you.

Reks: Well, no one invited you!

Vaan: Yeah!

Penelo: Oh, stop it, Vaan. You're just angry that I didn't massage you in that special way last night.

Vaan: Yeah! (Turns to Penelo.)

Ashe: That's gross.

Reks: Yeah...

One minute passes by after everyone stares at each other.

Penelo: Well, what do you guys wanna do now?

Reks: Let's get some nachos.

Ashe: How about visit Balthier and Fran?

Penelo: Good idea!

Vaan: Yeah!

Penelo, Ashe and Reks: (Stares at Vaan.)

Vaan: I mean, okay!

Penelo: We should stop by and visit Larsa and Basch first.

Ashe: Nah. We'll just go see Fran and Balthier.

Penelo: But I thought you miss him--

Ashe: Come on, Penelo! (Drags Penelo to the nearest airship.)

Reks: (Leans towards Vaan.) I think they hit the rough patch.

Vaan: Yeah.

Everyone exits Migelo's Sundries.

Kytes: (Drools.)

Migelo: Ashe has a nice ass, doesn't she?  
Kytes: (Nods slowly.)

_Draklor Laboratory._

Balthier paces back and forth. Doctor Cid exits the examination room.

Balthier: How is she, doctor?

Dr. Cid: Can't really tell, Ffamran. I don't even know where her liver is at.

Balthier: Would you... God damn it, stop calling me Ffamran.

Dr. Cid: Why? What's wrong with your birth name?

Balthier looks left to right.

Balthier: Not even Fran knows that!

Dr. Cid: And how long has she been your navigator?

Balthier: That doesn't matter. How is she, you stupid oaf?

Dr. Cid: Right. The embryo is just forming. We can take an ultra-sound now if you wish.

Balthier: So... I'm really going to be a dad?

Dr. Cid: Yep! (Big smile.) Just like me!

Balthier: Which means I'd give my kid an embarrassing name like Georginiagook and become obsessed with Nethicite all the while having flabby neck skin. Just like you.

Balthier enters the examination room.

Dr. Cid: You take that back!

Venat: Don't worry, honeycakes. I love your flabby neck skin. (Massages Dr. Cid's back.)

Dr. Cid: He's just going through those phases.

Balthier approaches right next to Fran who has some sort of device on her belly.

Fran: I think I might have eaten a flan. (Points at the monitor.)

Balthier: No, Fran. That's a baby.

Fran: A baby? You mean...

Balthier: Yep. (Smiles and holds Fran's hand.)

Fran: I ate it! Oh, my gods! Balthier, we have to get it out of me now! (Panics.)

Balthier: No... damn it, you're pregnant. You didn't eat it.

Fran: Oh. I knew that.

Dr. Cid enters the room.

Dr. Cid: So, how are you two?

Balthier: Happy, actually.

Fran: I'm going to be a mommy! (Pets her stomach.)

Venat: And Balthier's going to be a papa.

Fran: Balthier, we should name it.

Balthier: Right now? We don't even know what gender it would be.

Dr. Cid: Well, Viera are automatically female, so you should think of a feminine name. It's a one in a thousand percent chance it would be a boy.

Fran: How about, Gyorknrk?

Balthier: ...

Venat: Where did you get that from?

Fran: I mixed my parents' names together.

Balthier: And what are your parents' names?

Fran: Bjork and Gynrk.

Balthier: (To himself.) Great.

Dr. Cid: I think it's a good name.

Balthier: What the fu...

_Archadia._

Basch: (Approaches Larsa in Judge Gabranth's armour.) You called, my lord?

Larsa: (Hands over a letter.) Balthier and Fran are expecting.

Basch: Expecting what? Visitors? Loan sharks? Depths?

Larsa: No, dumbass. A child.

Basch: Oh, nice. Hahaha, Balthier's screwed.

Larsa: I thought the exact same thing.

Basch: Huh, Penelo and Vaan are getting married. Isn't Penelo jailbait?

Larsa: Well, it has been a year. Penelo should be legal by now.

Basch: You can tell she's taking advantage of her legal age.

Larsa: How?

Basch: I can smell sex on this letter. Plus, read this.

Larsa: I'm not touching that!

Basch: Oh, come on. Just read it.

Larsa: "P.S.: If you're wondering why this letter smells like sperm and vaginal fluid, Vaan and I had sex on top of the table while I was writing this letter to you."

Larsa: Well, that's disturbing.

Basch: It also means you might have touched Vaan's semen.

Larsa: Gross! (Drops letter.)

Larsa: You might have touched it, too!

Basch: I'm wearing thick, leather gloves, Larsa.

Noah: Hey, anyone ordered a Big Mac with deluxe fries?

Larsa: Gabranth!

Basch and Noah: Yes?

Larsa: Not you, Basch. I mean your brother.

Noah: What?

Larsa: I thought you died.

Noah: Nope. Just went for a stroll over to Mickey D's.

Basch: Whose twenty-piece McNuggets?

Noah: Whoever's.

Basch: Shotgun!

Larsa: Anyway, we should probably pay a visit over to Penelo and Balthier. It's been a while since we've seen them.

Noah: Eh, I'll tag along just for the hell of it. You get to see Ashe again, Basch.

Basch chokes on his McNuggets after stuffing some in his mouth.

Basch: No way, that princess is crazy. (Spits food out.)

Larsa: But she misses you, Gabranth.

Noah: I thought she hated me.

Larsa: For fuck's sake... NOT YOU! You're not Gabranth anymore!

Noah: Awww... bummer.

Larsa: Come now; let's make our way over to Rabanastre.

Noah: I'm in.

Basch: Noff fucking wayff! (Mouth still filled with McNuggets.)

Noah: If you stay here, Basch, Drace will come and possibly try to molest you. Trust me, that armour has some attachment to her.

Basch: As if I'm scared. I'm Captain Basch fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca!

Judge Drace: Gabranth, dear! Where are you! I need help taking out my... bra!

Basch: Wait for me! (Chases Larsa and Noah.)

**AN:** Well, that's all for now. Let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

_Sandsea Tavern._

Balthier sits across from Fran, waiting for his friends to arrive. Meanwhile, Fran plays with one of the tavern's napkins.

Balthier: Bah! They're taking forever.

Fran: Balthier, look!

Balthier: Eh?

Fran: The napkin can take many forms. And look at what I made!

Balthier: What the... what is... how did you do that?

Balthier picks up the napkin that was shaped exactly like the Strahl.

Balthier: Okay, how DID you do that?

Fran: I was playing with it because I have nothing to do. Except wait for this baby to arrive.

Balthier: (Thinking.) Wow... this Viera...

Balthier: I can't believe those guys are taking their precious time, especially when Migelo's is only a five minute walk.

Fran: Balthier, they left to visit us. Or were you not paying attention?

Balthier: Wait, so they're on their way over to Balfonheim? As we speak?

Fran: Yes, Balthier. I kept telling you over and over, but you kept blasting your music so loud, I nearly had one of my lungs fall out of place.

Balthier: Which lung? Your third or fourth?

Fran: Third.

Balthier: Okay, good. Didn't want you collapsing on the Strahl.

Fran: It's your fault you're terrible with navigation and need me to guide you around.

Balthier: Hey, I just so happen to know my way around.

Fran: What about the time I sent you to K-Mart?

Balthier: I got the new bed **and** a new television set.

Fran: It took you four days, Balthier. Besides, you were still finding your way in to K-Mart.

Balthier: Well, the place is huge!

Fran: It is **not**!

_Flashback._

Balthier is looking left to right, right in front of K-Mart back at Archadia. He seems lost, having not realized he was in front of the entrance.

Balthier: Man, why must the capital be a maze?

Cloud Strife: Nigga', you just dumb. (Scoffs and takes Tifa arm-in-arm inside of K-Mart.)

Balthier: At least I don't work for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Strife.

Cloud: Shhh! (Flicks Balthier off.)

Tifa: What did he say?

Cloud: Nothing, honey-poo!

Balthier: Hey, what does this button do?

Balthier notices a huge red button that says "PRESS ME" taped over "DON'T PRESS ME." Being an idiot, Balthier presses the button.

Balthier: What the-- uh oh. Ahhh! (Starts falling tumbling down a rocky slide.)

Balthier: Ow, man. I think I broke my tailbone. Who are you?

Balrog: Me? Just some balrog imprisoned here. Accidentally pressed that big red button.

Balthier: The one that says "PRESS ME"?

Balrog: Yeah, that one. And let me tell you, I was supposed to be in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. (Chuckles.)

Balthier: But what happened?

Balrog: Got stuck here for about three millenniums.

Balthier: Oh, God, let me out!

Balrog: This place ain't that bad. You got your own space, no one tells you what to do, food is unlimited and there isn't a care in the world. (Relaxes by one of the rocks.)

Balthier: You were a loser in high school, weren't you?

Balrog: Yeeep.

Balthier: Hey, I can see panties.

Balrog: One thing I love about this place. When women pass, you can see up their skirt.

Balthier: I can get used to this.

Balrog: Amen.

_End of flashback._

Balthier: See?

Fran: You spent four days in some dungeon?

Balthier: Wasn't that bad. They delivered us some food through the vents.

Fran: Those vents come from the trashcans.

Balthier: Oh.

Balthier stares at the table.

Balthier: Excuse me, will you? (Gets up.)

Fran: Pepto Bismo.

_Meanwhile._

Penelo, Vaan, Ashe and Reks start walking in the Dalmascan Estersand.

Ashe: I can't believe your airship ran out of gas.

Vaan: Don't blame me, I didn't use it last.

Reks: Don't look at me; I can't even get on a chocobo.

Penelo: Well, who used it, then?

Batman: It was I! I, who took your airship!

Ashe, Vaan, Penelo and Reks stare at Batman wobbling around in his boxers, wearing only his gloves, cape and mask.

Batman: This for Robin! Why, Robin!? WHY?!

Vaan: What did I do?

Batman: You told me my name was Adam We!

Penelo: You mean, Adam West?  
Batman: NO! I am Adam We!

Ashe: I... I... don't get it.

Reks: He can't remember his name, so he uses Lite Brite to remember his name. (Whispers to Ashe.)

Ashe: I still don't get it.

Reks: Adam West accidentally erased the letters S and T when he thought the Lite Brite was a zombie.

Ashe: Ohhh. (Looks at Batman.)

Batman: Nobody messes with Adam We! (Dives in front of a Lindhur Wolf.)

Penelo: How are you involved, Vaan?

Batman: Help! I'm being ripped apart by a pack of wolves!

Vaan: I don't know. I went through some portal that took me over to Peter Griffin's house.

Batman: Someone help, I'm being shredded to pieces!

Ashe: Who's Peter Griffin?

Batman: Is there no one there to save me?

Reks: You know, the fat man on _Family Guy_?

Batman: Hey. Hey. HEY! I asked if there was anyone to save me!

Ashe: Wait your turn! (Pushes Batman back to the pack of wolves.)

Penelo: Is that why you've been missing for two days?

Batman: Oh, God, I'm being mutilated!

Vaan: Yeah.

Ashe, Reks and Penelo: Ooohhh.

Ashe: Well, now we have no transportation, we might as well **walk** over to Balthier and Fran.

Reks: Wait a second, you're the queen.

Ashe: And?

Reks: Why don't you use a royal airship?

Ashe: ...

Penelo: He has a point, Ashe.

Ashe looks at the ground, and begins squishing the floor shyly.

Ashe: I... uh... it's...

Vaan: You're fat?

Ashe: No!

Vaan: Well, if you are, I can understand. Wouldn't want Free Willy bringing down the weight.

Ashe: It's not that! God, Penelo! What do you see in this guy?

Penelo: Great sex.

Ashe: Wha... he's not even big...

Penelo: (Leans towards Ashe.) He's gullible. And easy to get.

Ashe: Oh. You go, girl. (High-fives Penelo.)

Reks: Why don't we hitch a ride with those vagabonds?

Reks points over to a group of vagabonds.

Penelo: They don't look so friendly...

The group of vagabonds, which turns out to be old, wrinkly men, begin making unnecessary gestures towards the group. Including, yes, one of them pressing his nipples with his finger.

Ashe: That's disgusting.

Mitsurugi: Need a ride?

Vaan: Hey, you're that guy from Soul Calibur!

Mitsurugi: Yep.

Reks: What are you doing here?

Mitsurugi: Somebody stole my Masamune.

Vaan: What? It wasn't me! No, no! I don't have your Masamune and Genji gauntlets!

Mitsurugi: ...

Mitsurugi: I didn't say you did.

Vaan: Oh.

Ashe: Well, shall we go?

Penelo: Those old men are starting to creep me out...

From here, the old men begin shaking their hips around in circles to Shakira's "Hips don't lie."

Reks: I think I'm going to puke.

_Back to Balthier and Fran._

Balthier: I don't believe this!

Balthier looks at the sign on Vaan and Penelo's door.

_"Dear Balthier and Fran,_

_Just in case Balthier doesn't listen to you when you tell him we'll be visiting him instead of you coming to us, then you're screwed. However, if you're not Balthier or Fran and they never came back to Rabanastre, then this message will self-destruct._

_But if you are, we'll be going to Balfonheim to see you both. And we're not coming back just because you're lazy. Anyway._

_We just want to congratulate you both on your baby, and we hope to see you on our wedding!_

_Sincerely, _

_Vaan and Penelo."_

Balthier: Great.

Fran: I told you.

Balthier: What do we do now?

Fran: Go to them, of course.

Balthier: What! We're not flying all they way back to Archadia!

Fran: We are going, Balthier, whether you like it or not!

Balthier: No.

Fran: Please?

Balthier: No means no, woman!

Fran: P-please?

Fran's lips begin trembling and her eyes suddenly get too large, you'd consider this an anime. But since it's a video game, let's ignore that part. She looks at Balthier's eyes, like a baby puppy, stray from its mother.

Balthier: Oh, all right. And I'm only doing it because you look hot.

Fran: Yay!

Nono: You're an ass-kisser, you know that?

Balthier: Virgin.

Nono: Don't rub it in, kupo.

_Dreadnought What-Cha-Mah-Call-It._

Larsa: To Rabanastre!

Basch narrows his eyes at Larsa.

Larsa: I mean...

Basch: To Rabanastre!

Imperials: Yes, Your Honor.

Noah: When did you give Basch a ship?

Larsa: He begged.

Basch: Hey, every Judge has some sort of ship. Look at Judge Ghis! He had the Leviathan! And Zargabaath! The Alexander! And Judge Drace! Dreadnought Marry Me Gabranth!

Noah: That... wasn't actually a ship.

Basch: Well, she did turn that dildo-shaped statue into a dildo-shaped airship, Noah.

Basch: Besides, Dreadnoughts are badass.

Noah: Why did you give him one? And what kind of a name is What-Cha-Mah-Call-It?

Larsa: I thought it would be funny because Basch got lost back at the Leviathan.

Vossler: Good times, man.

Basch: All the good names like Alabama, New York, Kentucky and shit were taken.

Larsa smacks himself.

Noah: Idiot.

Imperial: Your Honor, Judge Magister Zargabaath is online.

Basch: Put him through.

Judge Zargabaath can be seen on a flat screen.

Zargabaath: Judge Gabranth.

Noah: Go ahead.

Zargabaath: Not you, Noah.

Noah: Christ... I've gotten used to that name.

Larsa: Meanwhile, Basch hasn't.

Noah: Eh? Gabranth!

Basch is sitting on a chair, picking his nose. He looks like he's in a drug-induced haze.

Noah: Gabranth...

Larsa: Judge Magister Gabranth!

Vossler: Basch.

Basch: Yo'.

Zargabaath: Anyway. (Clears throat.)

Zargabaath: Judge Gabranth, I wish you wouldn't leave Judge Drace in front of my door.

Basch: Just give her to Bergan.

Zargabaath: Bergan's deceased.

Larsa: I thought he came back.

Zargabaath: No, Your Excellency. For some reason, the author brought back the original Gabranth, Vossler, Reks and Drace but not Bergan.

Noah: What about Ghis?

Zargabaath: He joined the Mighty Ducks.

Noah and Larsa: ...

Basch: You think you will win, but you will not conquer me! For Dalmasca and the Empire! En guarde!

Vossler: Why are you punching your shoelaces?

Basch: I can't tie them, so if I defeat them, they will admit defeat and tie themselves.

Vossler: I can see why you neglect him.

Noah: Yep.

Zargabaath: The Empire is doomed, isn't it?

Vossler: Not exactly. It's not like Basch is the leader of the Judges.

Noah: He _is_ Gabranth now. He is the leader.

Vossler: It's doomed.

Larsa: Excuse me! I'm still here.

Vossler: Oh, hey, shorty. How's the family?

Larsa: ... Idiot. I'll be ruling Archadia while Basch acts as my personal guard and administer of law.

Noah and Vossler: It's doomed.

_And in other news._

Judge Dredd: I... still don't see how you ended up here.

Judge Ghis: All I said was my name was Judge Ghis and the Mighty Ducks recruited me.

Judge Ghis tosses his Mighty Ducks hockey helmet around.

Ghis: What's your excuse?

Dredd: They wanted me because I'm a judge.

Ghis: I think these people are into favoritism.

Dredd: I was thinking that.

The entire cast from D3: The Mighty Ducks movie form a circle around Judges Dredd and Ghis. They place their hands in the center.

Joshua Jackson: Quack. Quack. Quack.

Joshua Jackson: (Picks up the pace.) Quack! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

Everyone else that's a Mighty Duck: QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

Ghis and Dredd: Why is this happening to us?

The Mighty Ducks suddenly lay eggs.

Ghis and Dredd: ...

**AN:** I know, there are so many puns in here. Thanks for the reviews. By the way, the original Judge Gabranth's real name was Noah fon Ronsenburg; if you guys want to see any characters in here, just ask and I'll put them in.


	3. Chapter 3

_Archadian Royal Palace._

Judge Magister Bergan: So... uhhh... what do we do now?

Vayne Solidor: Why don't we bury him?

Judge Magister Zargabaath: Shouldn't we find out who his murderer is?

Vayne: We'll never find out who his murderer is. We don't even know how he was killed.

Zargabaath: He was poisoned.

Vayne throws away a bottle filled with toxified ingredients. Judge Bergan walks up to Emperor Gramis.

Bergan: And he was stabbed in the heart three times.

Vayne kicks three knives under the desk.

Bergan: No, wait. Make that four.

Vayne kicks another knife under the desk.

Bergan: On second thought, it was five.

Vayne: Oh, to hell with it! I killed him! Just don't tell Drace. She can't keep her big mouth shut.

Judge Magister Drace: Tell me what?

Zargabaath: That Vayne killed his own father after refusing to overthrow the Senate by poisoning him, followed after four stabs--

Vayne: Five.

Zargabaath: --through the heart.

Drace: What?! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Vayne: I told you she can't keep her big mouth shut.

Bergan and Zargabaath shrug.

Drace: ...ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

Drace begins panting.

Vayne: Anywaaay... now that my father has passed on, I think you shall appoint me new emperor, Bergan.

Bergan: What? Why me? I don't even like you.

Vayne: No, no. You do like me. (Waves hand around like a Jedi.)

Bergan: What the hell are you doing?

Vayne: Bring me a taco!

Bergan: Zargabaath, bring him a taco.

Zargabaath: Why me, you lazy bastard?

Bergan: I dunno. I'm just a Judge.

Vayne: I have it! We'll go to war with the U.S. and occupy the entire country, giving us endless supply of tacos!

Drace: Vayne Solidor! As Judge Magister and upholder of the law, I find you guilty for public nudity!

Drace draws her sword, which looks nothing like a sword but a twelve inch statue of Basch / Noah. One or the other. Who cares? They're twins.

Vayne: I'm not the one naked, Drace...

Zargabaath: Jesus, Drace, put some clothes on!

Bergan: Say... when do you get off? (Slicks hair back, smirking at Drace.)

Drace: Around 4pm.

Bergan: Around... 4... pm... got it. (Notes down on his PDA.)

Vayne: You know, we all die in the course of the game. How are we alive again?

Zargabaath: Correction. **YOU** all die in the game. Not me.

Bergan: Can it, Zargabaath. You were going to kill yourself. Remember?

Zargabaath: I only did it so they can feel heroic and kill themselves.

Vayne: Oh, come on! You just wanted to be with your friends!

Zargabaath: Excuse me?

Bergan, Drace, Vayne, the now temporarily resurrected Emperor Gramis and John F. Kennedy: Come ooon!

Zargabaath: You're all full of yourselves.

Bergan, Drace, Vayne, Emperor Gramis and J.F.K.: COME OOON!

Zargabaath: Ah, fuck it. I wanted to join you guys!

Bergan: Yeah! (High-fives Zargabaath.)

Vayne: This calls for a celebration!

Drace: Music professor!

J.F.K.: I got no strings, to hold me down! To pick up me up... I forgot the rest of the lyrics.

Bergan: Pinocchio sucked anyway.

Drace: I wonder where...

Vayne, Zargabaath and Bergan: Don't say it!

Drace: ... Gabranth is?

_Aboard Dreadnought What-Cha-Mah-Call-It._

Basch: Oh, fuck. I feel something... ACHOO!

Larsa: Bless you.

Noah: Ahhh, I'm free of Drace's obsession with the name Gabranth.

_Back at the palace._

Drace is thrown across the room.

Drace: What the hell was that for?

Bergan: For saying Gabranth's name.

Vayne: And for swinging a hotdog in front of my face.

Vayne begins peeling off the relish, mustard and mayo.

Zargabaath: Besides, you didn't put ketchup.

Drace: You guys suck.

Bergan: You see, Drace. It wasn't he who has appointed himself emperor. It was the very federal magistrates who assigned him as chancellor of the empire. When you bore your sausage against him, you bore your sausage against the law!

Zargabaath: What's with the speech?

Bergan: I don't know. I just don't like seeing wieners being swung around in other men's... faces.

Drace: You bear your marks well, Bergan.

Bergans: What marks?

Vayne: The one inside of your suit.

Zargabaath: When you leave streak marks in your underwear.

Bergan: I could have sworn I washed my clothes today.

Drace: Do it. I care not. Pray be quick.

Vayne: ... Who the hell is she talking to...?

Zargabaath: An imaginary Gabranth.

Drace: Live, Gabranth. Protect the young lord. Protect Larsa.

Zargabaath: Told you.

Drace: Ow! Ugh! Ohhh! Oooohhh...

Vayne: ...

Zargabaath: Sire, do tell. How did she become a Judge Magister again?

Emperor Gramis: She was hot back in the days.

Bergan: What the...

Drace: Oh, God! I'm starting to...

Drace continues moaning on the floor.

Vayne: This is revolting.

Drace: I'm coming!

Bergan: Fucking...

Zargabaath: Weirdo.

Lois Lane in a secretary uniform enters the room.

Lois: I'm here for employment.

Bergan's, Zargabaath's and Vayne's eyes explode. Literally. Then, suddenly, the vision begins slowly capturing Lois flicking her hair back as her pearly, white teeth sparkles.

Vayne: Hot... mama.

Bergan: Ho' damn!

Zargabaath: She has huge... melons...

Vayne: That's rude.

Bergan: Way to go, A-hole.

Lois: No, really, I do.

Lois is holding to large melons.

Zargabaath: Wow, I must say, you have a large package on your chest.

Bergan: Oh, come on, man!

Lois: This is for... Emperor Gramis? (Holds out a large package.)

Emperor Gramis: Oh, good. My Viagra has finally arrived.

Zargabaath: Holy shit. I want to grab your ches--

Vayne: Knock it off, Zargabaath!

Lois: Black or white? (Pulls out a chessboard.)

Zargabaath: My, my, I must admit, your hooters are quite distracting.

Bergan: Quit the shit, dude.

Lois: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want them flying around Archadia so I brought them.

Lois begins feeding her owls.

Zargabaath: But your top is pretty big. Are they real?

Bergan: DUDE!

Lois: You wouldn't believe it, but it's real! I went to a salon and people think my hair is fake!

Vayne: Appalling. (Rolls eyes.)

Bergan: What's with all the innuendo?

Zargabaath: I don't know. But her tits are fucking large.

Lois: Thanks. I'm free in the afternoons. (Winks.)

Bergan's and Vayne's jaws drop.

_Elsewhere..._

Rasler: I'm fucking bored. This sucks. You guys suck.

Occuria: Let me remind you, that Queen Ashe doesn't like you at all. She doesn't even know you're bisexual.

Rasler: Shut up! You wouldn't understand!

Occuria: We do. We are your creators.

Rasler: You're not my father!

Occuria: Technically speaking, we are. We can be your mother or father, you pick.

Rasler: No, my father died in battle!

Occuria: No, Rasler. I _am_ your father!

Rasler: It's not true! It's not true!

Rasler runs away. Like a faggot, randomly screaming, "You're not my father," "I hate you," "Why am I half-gay" and "Santa Claus was never real."

Occuria: That's right, go to your room! Stupid brat.

Gran Kiltias Anastasis: What a loser.

**AN:** Don't get me wrong. I don't hate Rasler. I just don't like his queer armour. And as for the Judges; I couldn't stand excluding Zargabaath and Bergan, so Bergan is back.


	4. Chapter 4

Dreadnought What-Cha-Mah-Call-It.

Basch: Are we there yet?

Larsa: No.

Basch: Are we there yet?

Larsa and Noah: No.

Basch: Are we there yet?

Larsa, Noah and Vossler: NO! SHUDDUFUCKUP ALREADY!

Basch: Sheesh, all you guys could have said was, No.

Larsa, Noah and Vossler slowly turn around.

Imperial: Sir!

Noah: What is it?

Basch: Back off! This is my ship!

Noah: Alright, Captiain Underpants.

Basch tightens his Supergirl briefs.

Basch: What is it, Seaman Stainz?

Imperial: Incoming transmission.

Vossler: Wait, wait. Your name is Semen Stains?

Imperial: Actually, my ranking is Seaman. My full name is Sticky White Stainz.

Vossler and Noah look at each other.

Larsa to himself: What kind of a fucking crew...

Basch: It's from the Heavy Cruiser Shiva-Shiva-Whoop-Whoop.

Vossler: Who the hell names all these ships?

Noah: I'll tell you who didn't name these ships. It was when I was still magister of the 9th Bureau!

Imperial: Your Honor! The Shiva-Shiva-Whoop-Whoop is under attack!

Basch: Oh, no! Judge Faggoth needs help!

Vossler and Noah: ... Faggoth...

Basch: Beast-master Bates, get yourself ready for battle!

Larsa, Noah and Vossler: ...

Basch: Seamen Stainz, get yourself- GET YOURSELF HARD AND READY! AND WHEN YOU'RE LOADED, MAKE AIM AND FIRE IN THE MOUTH OF THE ENEMY!

Vossler: What...

Noah: The...

Vossler: ... fuck...

Imperial: Incoming transmission!

Basch: Put it through, Judge Smalcox.

Judge Faggoth: Judge Gabranth, this Judge Magister Buttplug McCupcake Faggoth of the 11th Bureau! Requesting for assistance!

Basch: Right away. You, what's your name?

Imperial: Aihm Ghey.

Basch: Do me proud, and go save Judge Faggoth!

Judge Faggoth: Oph! They rammed me hard in the ass!

Imperial Aihm Ghey: I'm right on it!

Vossler: What happened to the Archadian Army?

Noah: Don't know. I turn around for one second and Basch becomes the next Gabranth.

Larsa: This is the gayest thing since Richard Simmons denied he was gay.

Phon Coast.

Balthier and Fran are relaxing at the beach, where a bunch of Bangaa would take a glimpse of Fran's enticing body until they notice Balthier's Fomalhaut besides him.

Balthier: Nothing to get yourself relaxed with.

Balthier pats his Fomalhaut while Fran adjusts herself.

Fran: Do you think the others would be okay? I mean, Salika Wood's not exactly an easy place to trek through. Especially with all the icky Malboros...

Balthier: Relax, darling. I'm sure they're fine. Besides, I hear Ashe is on a constant Berserk status. What could go wrong?

Fran: Still, if I hear a scream that sounds like Penelo or Ashe, I'm going into the woods.

Balthier: Fran. Ashe never screams.

Fran: Well, I never screamed. Except for that one time onboard Shiva. But I never scream, so who else could it be?

Balthier: Who else? Vaan.

Fran: Oooh.

Balthier: Relax, love. Stress isn't good for the baby.

Fran: Are you saying I'm going to get fat?!

Balthier gets up and tips his sunglasses downwards.

Balthier: ... No, I didn't.

Fran: What are you trying to say, then?! HUH?!

Balthier: ... I'm not trying to say anything...

Fran: It's because I'm pregnant, isn't it?!

Balthier: I don't think that has to do with...

Fran: ISN'T IT?!

Balthier: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Are you on Lithium?

Fran stops raging and squats in front of Balthier, making a sad puppy face.

Fran: Yes.

Balthier: Christ... remind me to kill Dr. Cid later. Why did he prescribe you Lithium?

Fran: So I won't be depressed.

Balthier: You're telling me...

Fran: WHAT?!

Fran grabs hold of a Dragon Whisker and the Zodiac Spear at the same time.

Balthier: Great...

Balthier grabs hold of his Fomalhaut with a Mud Shot and two Phoenix Downs.

Right in between Salika Wood and Mosphoran Highwaste.

Ashe: I don't wanna!

Ashe repetitively stomps the ground with her right food.

Mitsurugi: We meet Balthier and Fran if we don't go through here. Plus, Vaan somehow managed to fuck up and cook the Chocobos.

Vaan is chewing on a drumstick the size of a guitar.

Vaan: Hey, I was hungry.

Penelo: Yeah, Ashe. If we really want to see those guys, we'd have to through this place again.

Ashe: No, no, no! It's so dirty, and icky! And no one would even hold my hand! Did any of you think of holding my hand!

Seifer Almasy: How about me, babe?

Seifer smiles, lifting up his cloak with his hand as it swivels around his body with eloquency while he holds his gunblade Hyperion over his shoulders. For more vivid details, check Google.

The crowd begins to clap and cheer wildly for Seifer's appearance.

Vaan and Reks squeel: Homigosh! Seifer Almasy!

Seifer: What's happenin'?

Mitsurugi shrugs.

Mitsurugi: Not bad, not bad.

Penelo: There, he can hold your hand.

Ashe: Ew, no. Go away! I want Rassler! Waaah!

Vaan: Rassler's gay.

Ashe: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Seifer: So I came here for nothing?

Jin Kazama: Yep.

Reks: What the hell...

Mitsurugi: Well, I can't take any more of Ashe's bitching.

Ashe: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Mitsurugi: And I'm not even in Final Fantasy.

Jin: Dude, you're not even in Square Enix.

Mitsurugi: Yeah... I'm off!

Mitsurugi and Jin leap through a portal.

Seifer: I'm not even in XII.

Seifer grabs hold of a Humbaba and begins riding it like a bull.

Ashe: No-hup-one-hup likes-hup me-hup-heee-eee!!

Penelo: It's okay, Ashe. I still like you. And if I remember, Vaan once told me back at Jahara, he used to masturbate about you. Oh, and he said when you guys met, he grabbed hold of your butt.

Vaan starts to choke on his Chocobo drumstick. Reks had to elbow him to get it out.

Ashe: Gross...

Ashe's eyes narrows at an embarrassed Vaan.

Ashe: And you're not even bothered by it?

Penelo: No. Remember, the longest thing Vaan's ever held was the Masamune.

Ashe: That is so true.

Ashe and Penelo giggles.

Vaan: Hey!

Reks: Tough luck, small fry. Come on, I'll lead the way.

Reks begins leading the pack into the forest.

Ashe: Oohh, a brave man.

Reks: Hey-hey! Don't get any thoughts. You're married.

Ashe: Widowed-divorced.

Reks: Still.

Ashe: Doesn't stop me from one-night-stands.

Ashe walks past Reks nonchalantly.

Reks to himself: She's been around...

Reks shakes his head.

Penelo: Come on, Vaan!

Vaan: I don't wanna!

Vaan stomps the ground with his foot.

AN: Sorry for the delay. I've been kept up with school and tests previously, and I was more focused on my ASVABs. But, I will try my best to entertain you and the other readers. Thank you for the reviews. 


	5. Chapter 5

_After the Godforsaken crash..._

Basch: Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony, two Chinese poppers and a plastic rocket--

Larsa: What are you saying now, Gabranth?

Noah: Saying what?

Larsa: Forget it...

Vossler: Hey, guys, we have a tobaggan.

Vossler, Noah and Larsa look at each other. Then they look at Basch praying to a cow.

_Six minutes later..._

Basch: Faster! Faster, you hippies!

Basch whips Larsa, Vossler, Noah and everyone else who's a part of the Dreadnought What-Cha-Mah-Call-It.

Larsa: Weren't we supposed to use him as a tobaggan?!

Vossler: That's what I thought...

Basch: Mush!

Noah: I'm going to fucking kill you!

_Imperial City of Archades._

Judge Bergan: No fair. We have to sit in this dump hole while Zargabaath gets to play with Lois Lane's ping-pongs.

Emperor Gramis: More like soccerballs.

Judge Zargabaath exits the room, fixing his hair with Lois Lane in front of him. She adjusts her skirt and kisses him on the cheek.

Zargabaath: Hey, guys. So, what happened for the past hour?

Emperor Gramis: Nothing. And Drace is...

Bergan: She's lost it.

Judge Drace is seen across from the three men, screaming on the balcony to no on in particular with a golden, Oscar-sized Gabranth statue.

Drace: WHY?! WHHHYYY?!

Emperor Gramis: She won't quiet down.

Bergan: FUCK! DRACE! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Vayne: Don't bother, Bergan. She's deaf in "Gabranth Mode."

Drace suddenly shuts up and realizes an incoming ship.

Emperor Gramis and Bergan: Whoa...

Vayne and Zargabaath look at each other, then they run over to Drace who's been completely smashed underneath an airship, possibly trying to cover up the scene.

Reddas jumps off from his ship along with Cervantes de Leon and that dude from Scarface.

Reddas: Avast!

Cervantes: Come with me to Hell!

That dude from Scarface: Say hello to my little friend!

Zargabaath: Jesus fucking Christ, put it away!

Lois Lane: Little friend, all right...

Drace and Lois giggle in the background.

That dude from Scarface: Say hello to _this_ little friend, then!

That dude from Scarface pulls down Cervantes' pants.

Cervantes: Hey, now. That was not nice.

Bergan goes up to Reddas and smacks him on the back of his head.

Bergan: No. No. NO. NO! What has gotten into you?

Reddas looks ashamed.

Reddas: I'm sorry.

Bergan: You go to your room right now and think about what you've done. And your friends have to go home now.

Reddas starts stomping his way back to his ship and grumbling the words "Fuck you, Bergan."

Vayne: How did you do that?

Bergan: I used to value him when he was Zecth, but ever since he became a pirate, he's been ranting about booty and bringing milkshake to other boys' yards.

Vayne and Zargabaath exchange "WTF" looks.

Reddas: Come on, guys, we have to go home now.

Cervantes and that dude from Scarface: Awww...

Cervantes and that dude from Scarface's pants begin dragging since they're trousers were dropped.

Zargabaath: Well, that's over.

Vayne: ... and this just begun...

Vayne points at his father who's probably (most likely) masturbating behind his desk due to the fact Lois Laine is doing pilates in her jogging clothes right in front of him.

Zargabaath shaking his head: Dumb fucker...

Bergan: Dude, what were you and Lois Lane doing all alone in that one room, anyway?

Zargabaath: Nothing.

Vayne: C'mon! What were you two doing?

Vayne and Bergan begin smiling deeply.

Zargabaath: Jeez, nothing! What's wrong with you, guys?

Bergan and Vayne: You tapped that, didn't you?

Zargabaath: ... Gross... No...

Bergan, Vayne, George Washington, King Raminas, Al-Cid, Count Dracula and Tony the Tiger: Cooome ooon!

Zargabaath: Christ, I didn't touch that-that-that... THING!

Zargabaath points at Lois bending over exuberantly, enough for Emperor Gramis' eyes to pop and increase speed and intensity. And Drace adds to the ludicrousy by playing Sisqo's "Thong Song."

Zargabaath: Sick...

Bergan: Dude, she's hot.

Vayne: With big melons!

George Washington: She smells nice.

Vayne: With big melons!

King Raminas: She's the reason why I can get horny again!

King Raminas spreads his arms and everyone else just stares at him.

Al-Cid: Her figure is sexy.

Vayne: With big melons!

Bergan, George, Al-Cid, King Raminas, Tony the Tiger, Count Dracula and Zargabaath: **WE GET IT!**

Vayne: Sorry.

Tony the Tiger: She's grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

Zargabaath: THAT **SHE** IS A **HE**!

Everyone except Drace, Emperor Gramis, Lois Lane, the music and an "I told you not to ask" Zargabaath silences.

Bergan: Are... are you...

Zargabaath: Dude, see that bulge near her crotch?

Vayne: Gross!

Count Dracula: It burns! I'm melting!

Al-Cid: You're a vampire.

Count Dracula: And what? Besides, it's 10:13am.

Tony the Tiger: Breakfast was over anyway.

King Raminas: I'm supposed to be dead.

George Washington: Just... what... the... fuck am I doing here?

J.F.K.: I dunno.

Zargabaath: Turns out Superman's been sticking his "faster than a speeding bullet" in another dude's... Anyway, his name is Louis Lane, not Lois. He just has a swollen chest and likes wearing women's jeans.

Bergan: Why'd you let him kiss your cheek?

Zargabaath: He WHAT?!

From here on, Zargabaath repeatedly beats on Louis Lane.

_Tchita Uplands._

Balthier is seen panting running around with the Dragon Whisker and Zodiac Spear and with only one Pheonix Down left.

Balthier: Please, Fran! I'm tired! Save this for the bedroom!

Fran: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Balthier: Oh, bloody hell! Did I say that out loud?

Nono: Tsk-tsk. Told him to keep his mouth shut.

Nono walks with two Viera towards Sochen Cave Palace, eager to lose his virginity but totally unaware of all the dangers it holds such as the ridiculously long-fought Hell Wyrm.

_What's going on? Will Fran lose her cool and kill Balthier by accident and raise a child alone? Or will he just suffer through severe beatings? Will Ashe finally find religion whilst trekking in Salika? Let's find out..._

_Salika Wood._

Ashe with a Deathbringer and the Zodiac Escutcheon whilst surrounded by a pack of Malboro Kings: Fuck you, gods! I'm converting to Islam!

_Well... not exactly Muslim, but we're getting there. Tune in next time on..._

_**EVERYBODY LOVES BALTHIER!**_

**AN:** Yes, it's an update and I've finally put Reddas in. Don't worry, I'm still open up to suggestions. I do this normally in the morning since I'm taking school at night time, so if you readers are wondering why I lag, it's because of my military schooling.


	6. Chapter 6

_After what seemed for hours... no, wait. After what seemed for three days, Fran finally tires out._

Fran: (Panting.) Balthier. Honey. I'm tired. Get over here so I can beat the little shit out of you.

Balthier stands with his fists on his hips, panting.

Balthier: Hell if I am, woman. You have two motherfucking spears with you and I plan on being the penetrating one in this relationship.

Fran: Ack! I think my water broke!

Balthier: I'm not falling for that one. Again.

Fran: No, really! I think it's time!

Balthier: Oh, for the love of everything in Jesus' holy ass.

Balthier rushes over to Fran who's lying on the floor in agony only to be smacked by the Ultima Blade.

Fran: Gotcha'.

Balthier: Damn it, woman! (Holds his face which is now completely flatten.)

Peewee: (In his obnoxious voice.) Hah-hah! You just got served!

Fran: You shut up! No one asked you.

Fran shoots Peewee with her Perseus bow Terminator style.

Peewee: I'll... be... back... HAH-HAH! (Dies.)

Balthier: Now that little scoundrel's taken care of, can we go back to a more civilized life?

Fran: Are you saying I'm socially unacceptable because of my race?!

Balthier: Not what I meant, love.

Fran: Then what are you saying?! Huh?! HUH!? HUUUH?!

Balthier: I'M SAYING LET'S GO BACK TO LOVING ONE ANOTHER AS PILOT AND NAVIGATOR LIKE IN TOPGUN WHERE YOU CAN BE ICEMAN AND I'LL BE MAVERIK EXCEPT WE'RE DIFFERENT SEX AND RACE!

Fran: Yay! (Hugs Balthier.)

Balthier: Knew that would work.

_Salika Wood._

Ashe: Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew! (Steps on Malboro Overking corpses.)

Reks: God, I can't stand her anymore!

Ashe: Why do you have to be so mean!

Reks: Not you. Her! (Points at the television, showing the Oprah Winfrey show.)

Reks: She's so fake. Fat bitch.

Vaan: She's so beautiful! And true! She understands me! (Sobs on Penelo's shoulders.)

Penelo: There, there. It's okay, Vaan.

Squall Leonhart: I don't know how in the fuck I got sucked up into this.

Vincent Valentine: Probably because we were transferred from WTF Wars into here.

Siegfried Schtauffen: Mmmm. Nanana. (Munching on a banana.)

Majin Vegeta: I actually miss Bulma now.

Reks: God, this show sucks. (Changes channel to Superbowl.)

Ashe: Go Colts!

Vaan: Yeah!

Penelo: Colts are a good offensive team.

Reks: No way! Go Bears!

Vaan: Yeah!

Penelo: Although the Bears are great on D.

Vaan: Yeah!

Squall: I miss the 49ers era.

Vaan: Yeah!

Majin Vegeta: Shut the fuck up, you idiot! That's already old! Big Bang! (Proceeds to utilize his Big Bang but is pulled away by Jerry Springer bouncers.)

Majin Vegeta: Let me go! Let me go!

Raditz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Siegfried: Mmmm. Nanana.

Ashe, Vaan, Reks, Penelo, Squall and Vincent stare at Siegfried until he farts.

Ashe: Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew! (Moves away.)

Reks: I bet I can beat that. (Farts louder.)

Penelo: How rude! (Covers nose.)

Vincent: Oh, yeah?!

Vaan: Yeah! (Farts the alphabets backwards.)

Ashe begins gagging and Penelo's face turns green.

Squall: That's gross, guys. But not as gross as this! (Queefs.)

Vaan, Reks and Vincent stare at Squall.

Reks: Did you just... queef?

Squall: Sorry. My gunblade does that. It's a she. (Farts.)

Vincent: Better. (Machinegun farts the Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars.)

Siegfried: Mmmm. (Pauses.) Hey, my banana turned brown. You, guys. (Places hands on hips and smiles.)

Audience begins laughing.

Vaan: Hahaha, watch this! (Proceeds to fart when...)

Reks and Vincent raise an eyebrow.

Squall: Oh, God!

Vaan: I pooped. (Blushes.)

_After ten hours of detoxifying Vaan, the group begin trekking through Salika._

Ashe begins literally hacking away at Pumpkin Heads and Wyrdhares mindlessly while reading "Road to Muslim for Idiots with Bipolar Disorder."

Penelo: I hope we find them soon.

Reks: We will.

Vaan: (In diapers.) Yeah!

Vincent: Knock it the fuck off! God, I want to leave this edition of Final Fantasy already!

Ashe: Don't brag just because you were from the top selling version.

Squall: Show off.

Siegfried: I like toast.

All of a sudden, someone farts. They look at Siegfried.

Siegfried: It wasn't me! Honest, ociffer! (Raises hands.)

Vincent and Squall: Ociffer?

Penelo: He's a unique one.

Reks: He's not even in Final Fantasy!

Ashe: (Drops book revealed to be a sex guide for desperate people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and depression from learning their previous husband was a closeted homosexual.) Whoops.

Penelo: Uhm... Ashe?

Ashe: Yeah?

Penelo: What's the guide for?

Ashe: No one, why?

Reks: It's for Basch!

Ashe: Nuh-uh! Basch can't even tie his shoes!

_In the middle of nowhere, probably Necrohol of Nabudis._

Basch strugges with his shoe laces.

Basch: God damn it! Tie up, you sons of bitches!

Vossler: We have boots that don't need to be tied, you dumb motherfucker.

Basch: I know! But I can't seem to find any my size.

Larsa: Noah, you have the same size feet he wears. Why can you fit the armour and he can't?

Noah: Look again. (Points at Basch wearing Air Jordans.)

Larsa: Oh.

Judge Faggoth: We must venture out in here and destroy all evil for the sake of mankind!

Vossler and Noah chuckle.

Vossler: Yeah. "Man"-kind.

Noah: You'd want a world full of men, wouldn't you?

Faggoth: What?

Larsa: Everyone in Basch's regiment is completely stupid. Why must I suffer through this?

Adam West: Because Adam We says so!

Vossler, Noah and Larsa: Adam We? You mean West?

Adam West: No, it's Adam We! (Jumps upwards to escape with the '60s Batman theme song playing. Unfortunately for him, he collides with the ceiling and knocks out where he is devoured by many Overlords.)

Vossler: Dumbass numero uno down.

Noah: And dumbass numero dos...

Basch: FUCK YOU! FUCK! YOU! (Shoots his shoe laces with an ATK-47 machinegun.)

Larsa: Still needs work.

Faggoth: Follow me! And stay behind me! And stay in tight!

Noah: Fag...

Faggot: Yes?

Vossler, Larsa and Noah: ...

_Salika Wood._

Ashe: See?

Penelo: Who's it for?

Ashe: Him! There! That one! (Points at Squall, who moves away so Vincent is targeted, who moves away, leaving Siegfried alone.)

Siegfried: (Somehow has another banana.) Mmmm. Nanana.

Penelo: Ooooh.

Donkey Kong: (Grabs Siegfried and starts swinging away with him.) My banana!

Siegfried: Weeee!

Ashe: Hey, wait! Come back! (Teary-eyed.) So... unfair... why... does everyone hate me?

Penelo: There, there. I don't hate you. (Hugs Ashe.)

Vincent and Squall holding up "Awww" cards.

Audience: Awww.

Reks: I don't hate you. I just think you're one psychopathic bitch.

Ashe: Waaah!

Reks: Alright, alright. I don't hate you. I just find you annoying.

Penelo: That's not helping, Reks.

Reks: But it's true!

Vaan: I think I need to change my diapers.

Ashe: No one likes me. (Pouts and sniffles.)

Vincent: Well, I think you're cute.

Squall: I wouldn't mind dating you.

Ashe rubs her eyes and smiles: Really?!

Vincent and Squall: No. We just said that to shut you up.

Ashe: ...

Penelo: That's mean, guys.

Vaan: Hey! We were just coming to visit you two!

Penelo: Who are you talking to, Vaan?

Balthier is seen panting as he runs towards the group filled with scars and holding one more Phoenix Down.

Balthier: Fran... Fran... she's... she's... she's gone insane.

Fran: AAARRRGGGHHH!

Penelo and Ashe: Franny!

Fran returning back to her normal state: Ashe! Penelo! Vaan! Vaan's brother! Whoever the hell you two are!

Vincent and Squall: Vincent Valentine and Squall Leonhart.

The girls squeel as they formed a triangle and hugged each other.

Ashe: Oh, my gosh! I can't believe it! You're really pregnant!

Penelo: Who would have thought!

Fran: Not Balthier.

Balthier: Hey! I used protection, woman! That condom just broke.

Raditz: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Reks: Haha, so your kid would blame you for being an accident.

Balthier: Fran, darling. Please cast Berserk on me so I can beat the shit out of Reks for that.

Fran: With pleasure. (Begins casting the Arcane magick, Berserk, on Balthier.)

Balthier glows a bright red and dark black and begins chasing after Reks with a Scorpion Tail.

Reks: Uh-oh.

RenegadeZabuzaMomochi: Motherfuck, this story's going chaotic, too. Kirikagure no Jutsu! (Creates a large mist so Reks escapes until Balthier returns to his normal state.)

RenegadeZabuzaMomochi: First, WTF Wars, and now this.

Taki: Ready?

RenegadeZabuzaMomochi: Anytime you're ready, babe.

Taki shrieks and tosses dirt on the ground and escapes with RenegadeZabuzaMomochi. Unfortunately for them and because of lack of Taki's stealthy escapes working in Final Fantasy XII being useless and only in Soul Calibur, the duo just throws rocks at the group and runs away.

Ashe: Jerks!

Penelo: That was not nice!

Fran: Hmph! Don't expect to come to our baby shower!

RenegadeZabuzaMomochi calling from a distance: I'm the author; I can come anytime I want!

Vaan: Speaking of which, when is your baby shower?

Fran: Wow, Vaan. That's the smartest thing you've said so far.

Vaan: Just get back to the question! (Makes an anime face.)

Fran: I don't know. I'll ask Balthier.

Penelo: When he calms down.

Squall: Fuck, I'm out. I was expecting to get some booty. (Cell phone rings.)

Squall picks up: Hello?

Vincent: Hi.

Squall: Dude, what the fuck?

Vincent: I'm bored. Oh, wait. Hold on. (Clicks on the other line.) Yeah? Uh-huh. Okay. Ooooh. Sexy. I'll be there. Well, they haven't called me yet. Yeah, he's here with me. No, Donkey Kong took him away. Alright. Love you, bye.

Squall: Woman?

Vincent: Yuffie. She says she has something special waiting for me back at home. Oh, and you've been offered a role in WTF Wars.

Squall: I'm so there.

Vincent: Ciao. (Disappears all Vincent-like. You know, when he jumps in the air and his cape gets stuck in the tree branches.)

Squall: Later, bitches and hoes. (Jumps into his Honda Accord.)

Ashe: I'm not a bitch!

Fran: I'm not a hoe!

Penelo: I'm neither. (Smiles.)

Vaan: I peeped and pooped.

What will happen next? Will Balthier kill Reks so he can finally die? And how the hell did Basch end up at Necrohol of Nabudis? And where's my coffee? Tune in next time on...

**EVERYBODY LOVES BALTHIER!**

**AN:** Finally updated. Sorry for the anticipation, but being a Marine's a hard work, especially if you're freezing here in Japan.


	7. Chapter 7

_Phon Coast._

Ashe and the group exits the Salika Woods and she stretches her arms wide, unintentionally exposing her side boobs.

Ashe: The air is so fresh!

Penelo: I don't know. I sense a disturbance in the Force.

Fran: Don't worry, I'll behave myself.

Vaan begins drooling at Ashe's side boob.

_Meanwhile..._

Reks: Come on, man! I was just kidding!

Balthier: WHAT? CAN'T HEAR YOU! EVERYTHING'S INADUBLE IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT I'M ON A BERSERK STATUS! LALALALALALA! (Continues chasing Reks with two Dragon Whiskers on his back and a Scorpion Tail.)

Reks: Christ, Balthier! I was just-- ooph. (Runs into somebody and falls down.)

Reks: My bad, I was...

Pamela Anderson: Are you okay?! Do you need C.P.R.?! Can you breathe?!

Reks lets some drool slip out.

Reks: ... uh...

Balthier somersaults so high in the air, you'd think he's capable of levitating but he just had a boost by casting Float, and begins twirling one Dragon Whisker in rapidly fluid motions as he hurls a Scorpion Tail towards the two. How he can cast magicks while on Berserk is unknown.

Balthier: Oooooh-Raaaah!

Reks: Aw, crap.

Pamela Anderson: Come on! Follow me!

Pamela Anderson begins running alongside Phon Coast's beach, and for some stupid reason, she's running so slow, her breasts are bouncing up lopsidedly. For a moment Reks just stares at her, until she realizes the Scorpion Tail smack her cranium and a Dragon Whisker stabs her in the back. From there on, a bunch of Bangaa and Seeq fight over which gets Pamela Anderson's silicon-implanted bonkers.

Reks: God damn!

Balthier, in his normal state, approaches Reks with a Dragon Whisker in his hand: Well, now that's over with.

Reks: Jesus, man, are you normal now?

Balthier: But of course. Everybody **does** love Balthier. (Flicks his hair back nonchalantly.)

Female Audience squeals: OMG! Hottie!

Balthier: Okay, that was a little annoying.

Reks: Yeah...

Ashe: Balthier! Reks! (Runs along the beaches unknowingly trailed by a pack of Silver Lobos being enticed by her scent and her curvy body, they mistaken her as walking steak.)

Fran shooting at Silver Lobos: Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three... Balthier! Reks!

Penelo casting Scourge: Bad doggies!

Vaan, somehow battle-scarred, begins raising his hand in the air: Ivalice... Gods... Espers... lend me your strength! Spirit Bomb!

Fran, Ashe and Penelo pause their actions and turn around to Vaan: ...

Vaan unleashes a huge sphere at a bunch of innocent Mandragoras and obliterates them with ease: Haaah! (Flexes nonexistent biceps.)

Penelo: 'Kay.

Ashe rolls her eyes: Whatever.

Fran runs up to Balthier and kisses his cheek: Darling!

Audience wolf whistles: Whoo-hoo!

Balthier raises an eyebrow: What was that for?

Fran snickers mischievously: Nothing. I love you.

Audience: Awww.

Penelo: That's so adorable.

Ashe: Yeah. (Sighs day dreamingly.)

Reks: Alright, now this freak show's over. Can we just get on with the actual matter?

Balthier: We will once Vaan the Magnificently Stupid there returns back to our world.

Everyone turns to Vaan, seeing him smacking random people with a wand.

50 Cent: 'ey, yo'. Vaan, get'cho' white ass ova' hurr. (Pulls out a 9mm .45 Taurus handgun and poses thuggishly at Vaan.)

Vaan running up to 50 Cent: A rap battle you say!? Well, then, I'll have you know that I am the real Stink Shady! (Pulls his diapers up.)

Ashe: Oh, my Gods...

Balthier: Does Vaan even rap?

Penelo in a serious face: Yes... he's been practicing for so long. It's been his dream to be a white rapper. He must face his fears.

Fran: I thought his dream was to be a sky pirate.

Reks: Well, Vaan's been working at Burger King for so long, he couldn't pay it off as a sky pirate.

Ashe: He's doomed, isn't he?

Penelo, Reks, Balthier and Fran: Yes.

_Scene changes into the 8 Mile rap battle stage._

Mekhi Phifer: A'ight, a'ight, yo'. We goin' get dis done right in here! Give it up fo' Fitty Sent!

50 Cent enters the stage with his arms in the air, and begins strutting towards the crowd.

Mekhi Phifer: And give it up fo'... V Rabbit!

Vaan enters the stage and trips because, unfortunately, there was some pimp juice left all over the stairs and he manages to stumble on the stage.

Audience: ...

50 Cent laughing hysterically including clapping his hands and jumping up and down: Ahahahahaha!

Vaan: Did I do that? (Imitating Steve Urkel's voice.)

Mekhi Phifer: A'ight, Fitty. You tha' reignin' champion. You decides who goes first.

50 Cent nabbing the mic from Mekhi Phifer.

Mekhi Phifer: Hey!

50 Cent: I ain't making this bitch ass mo'fucker go first. A'ight, gimme a beat. (Candy Shop tune.)

50 Cent: I take ya' to tha' Candy Shop. Make you like some lollipops. I'll even buy ya' a buncha gumdrops. Just as long as ya' don't steal my Pop Rocks. Whoa!

Audience: ... (Clapping slowly, a little bit confused.)

Audience: That's good, it's all right.

50 Cent points his gun at the crowd and pulls the hammer down.

Audience claps wildly: WE LOVE YOU!

Mekhi Phifer: A'ight, a'ight. Let's see what'cho' got.

Mekhi walks up to Vaan: Don't mess up, man. You can do it.

V Rabbit: Yo'. Yo'. Yo'. Yo'. See my yo-yo? (Begins walking the dog with his yo-yo whilst doing the Blood Hop.)

V Rabbit's back-up: It's tha' Blood Hop! Throw tha' B up, motherfuck! It's the Blood Hop!

V Rabbit: Look. If you had, one chef. One spatula. To cook everything you ever wanted. Would you fry it? Or just flip burgers?

His face is sweaty, arms weak, meatballs are ready.  
He had angus beef but he spits out his mom's spaghetti.  
He's nervous, but looks like a fag, calm and ready.  
He takes a bomb, he smells like shit already.  
Now he's broke down, the whole crowd cries so loud.  
He opens his mouth, but his ass blows right out.  
He's farting now, everyone's jokin' now.  
Ran out of toilet paper, time's up, BLOAH!   
Snap back to reality.  
Oh, there goes cavity.  
Oh, there's a rabbit. He's stoned.  
But he won't give up the habit.  
Of staying stoned, and have his lead ass broke, instead he'll fry at Burger King, yo'.

V Rabbit drops the mic and flicks the crowd off.

Audience claps wildly while 50 Cent cries hysterically.

Mekhi Phifer: Looks like we have a new champion! V Rabbit!

V Rabbit leaves the stage with his hooded jacket pulled up.

Mekhi Phifer: There goes a man with many dreams...

Eminem: We should make a movie about this. I'll call it... "888 Miles."

Mekhi Phifer: That is one long motherfucking title.

Eminem: Really? What 'bout... 8 Mile?

Mekhi Phifer: Sounds good.

_Returning back to Phon Coast._

Balthier: Are you finished?

Vaan: With what?

Penelo: Vaan! You faced your fears!

Vaan: I did?

Penelo: You did! (Smiles warmly.)

Vaan: Awww, yea'! That means the Cookie Monster no longer exists!

Penelo: Oh... okay...

Fran: I think my water broke.

Balthier: I'm not falling for that one again.

Fran: Balthier.

Balthier: Fran.

Fran smacks Balthier in the head.

Fran: I'm not on Berserk, stupido.

Balthier: Ouch. Oh. Uh oh.

Reks: To the hospital!

Penelo: We don't have any transportation, though.

Ashe: Hey, Franny?

Fran: Yeah?

Ashe: How come you look so calm? And you're not even showing.

Fran: We Viera are a mysterious race.

Balthier: She doesn't moan in bed.

Ashe: ...

Penelo: The closest hospital is Draklor's. And we're two days from there just walking. How are we going to get there?

_Dreadnought Leviathan_

Vossler: The first smart thing Basch ever did.

Noah: What, tie his shoes?

Everyone but Basch chuckles.

Basch: Fuck you, ass wipe!

Noah: We're over here, Basch.

Basch turns around and noticed he was facing an inanimate object: What? Oh. Fuck you, ass wipe!

Larsa: He managed to get us Ghis' old Dreadnought. We might as well commemorate him.

Vossler and Noah look at Larsa.

Larsa: SIKE!

Basch: Uh oh...

Vossler: What now?

Basch: Brace for impact!

_Back to Phon Coast, where everyone's bitching and whining._

Fran: Oh, Gods! I pulled another one!

Balthier: For fuck's sake, Fran! STOP SCARING ME!

Penelo panicking: Oh, what are we going to do!

Ashe: Uhm, uhm, uhm! Dear Gods, I know I've been a very bad girl and all...

Vaan: And slutty.

Ashe: But I ask you this one thing. Please take us to Draklor's so Fran can have her baby without worrying that Bangaa might eat it. Please give us some sort of transport. Please give us a sign! Any sign!

Reks holding a sign for hitch hiking: Here.

Ashe: ... Not that kind of sign.

Penelo: Whoa, there's a huge shadow right above... OH, MY GOD! (Runs for cover.)

Balthier: Awh, here goes! (Picks up Fran and runs away.)

Fran: Weeee!

Vaan: Stop! Stop in the name of love!

Larsa using a megaphone: Vaan! Get your dumb white ass out of the way!

Vaan waves at Larsa: Larsa!? Is that you? I haven't seen you in ages!

Vossler: Move out of the way, you stupid motherfucker!

Reks: Get over here, stupid brother of mine!

Vaan: HI, GUYS!

Rassler: Nooo! (Lunges at Vaan and pushes him out of the way, being crushed by the Dreadnought Leviathan.)

Ashe: Rassler!

Rassler: Ashe... I just wanted you to know... I'm gay and I never liked you. (Dies.)

Ashe: Nooo!

Vaan: To the hospital!

Basch: Success! I have my shoes tied!

Ashe: I hate you gods! I hate you all! I'm converting to Muslim!

Fran: Shut up! I'm dying here!

Balthier: Does this still work?

Noah: Don't know. Don't you have the Strahl.

Balthier: Yeah... AT ARCHADES.

Larsa: No time to waste! I think I can fix this ship. Come on!

Will the crew make it in time? What will Fran name the baby? Oh, the suspense! I'm excited. Not really.

**AN:** Almost finished. Hope you're satisfied; review, otherwise I refuse to continue. I'll try to continue this as soon as I can. Meanwhile, stay tuned on...

**EVERYBODY LOVES BALTHIER!**


	8. Chapter 8

_Imperial City of Archades._

Basch: This is not right! (Tied to a wheelchair.)

Jigsaw: Judge Gabranth, I want to play a game.

Noah: Oh, I love games!

Jigsaw: ...

Jigsaw: Captain fon Ronsenburg, I want to play a game.

Basch: Never will I surrender!

Vossler: I don't see why we should stay.

Larsa: No point in that. Thanks for watching him, Dr. Jigsaw.

Jigsaw: (Holding an assortment of torture devices.) No problem.

Basch: Injustice! (Muffles underneath the bear trap.)

_Hospital room._

Vaan: I'm going to faint!

Penelo: The baby hasn't arrived yet, Vaan.

Vaan: Oh.

_Five minutes later..._

Vaan: I'm going to faint! (Slaps Fran's belly.)

Fran: ARRRGGGHHHUUUAAAGGGHHH! (Executes the Tombstone Piledriver on Vaan.)

Ashe and Penelo: (Holds Fran down.) Breathe, nigga', breathe.

Balthier: Can this get any more worse?

Larsa and Vossler: (Enters the room abruptly, holding their backs against the door.)

Larsa: I think we're safe.

Penelo: What's going on?

Vossler: You don't want to know.

Balthier: Okay. (Opens up a newspaper, reading the Daily Archadian.)

Ashe: No, really. What's that noise? And where's Noah?

Noah from the Genesis chapter in the bible: You rang?

Fran: AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! (Decapitates Noah, forcing the Ark to be unmanned and head straight for Dalmasca.)

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Noah: What's her problem? (Enters through the window with a bruised face.)

Vaan: You got messed up big time.

Fran: SHUT. UP. (Bitch slaps Vaan.)

Balthier: Fran, darling. Get ahold of yourself. (Bitch slaps Fran.)

Fran's lips begin quivering afterwards. Balthier almost feels sorry for what he did, but he was too late to make any apologies. You see, when a Viera is pregnant, their tempermental psyche goes out of control and they sometimes eat the father of the child. Sometimes.

Balthier: Listen, I only did that for your own good.

Fran: My ass!

Vaan: Is fine!

Fran: (Glares at Vaan.) You're really asking for it, huh?

Vaan: Yes!

Ashe, Penelo, Larsa, Noah, Balthier and Vossler: (Stares at Vaan in disbelief.)

Vaan: Oh, wait a minute.

Fran: WAAAAAAAAAAAALEEEEEEEWATTAH! (Proceeds to do a number of beatings on Vaan.)

Penelo: Fran, be careful!

Balthier: Aren't you supposed to be rooting for Vaan?

Penelo: Oh, no. Vaan is indestructable, despite the fact he gets numerous beatings for his ineptitude.

Larsa: I have an idea!

Ashe: Okay, shorty. What is it?

Larsa: We can use Fran to go against all of those things that were chasing us earlier!

Vossler: What if she dies?

Balthier: Yeah, what IF she dies, you idiot.

Fran: WOO-TAH! (Axe kicks Vaan.)

Vaan: My spleen! (Holding his nasal cavity.)

Larsa: At her current state, I doubt she would die. She could probably eliminate those monsters Matrix style.

Neo: ... There... is... no... spoon.

Penelo: What was chasing you three anyway?

Vossler, Noah and Larsa: Espers.

Ashe, Penelo and Balthier: Oooohhh. Oh. OH! Oh. Ooooooohhhhh! Good idea.

_Outside of Fran's room._

Genie: Make way, for Prince Ali!

Basch: (Wearing a pink tutu.) Prince Ali, mighty is he! Ali Ababwaaa!

Hashmal the Bringer of Order: That's right, boy. (Whips Basch who seems to dodge the whip lashing unknowingly.)

Basch: Where do you go!? My lovely!

Ultima the High-Seraph: (Bites her lower lip.) So brave.

Shemhazi the Whisperer: And dreamy. (Sighs.)

Basch: This way, gang! (Points over to Fran's room.)

Penelo, Vaan, Balthier, Noah, Vossler, Ashe and Larsa meet Basch walking up to her room. They were all dressed up in black leather complete with sunglasses. Right behind them was Fran tied with chains. She started running towards Belias the Gigas but was held back by the group.

Balthier: Down, girl!

Basch: Hi, guys! I bet you can't guess what I'm wearing!

Noah: Let me guess. It's not a pink tutu. You imbecile, you've brought the Espers here!

Basch: Say what? (Turns around.) Oh, shizzaps.

Zodiark the Keeper of Percepts: It is time for you, Fran Bunansa the Chosen One, to die!

Balthier: Wait, why is she the Chosen One?

Ashe: Because she has rabbit ears?

Penelo: Because she knows many Black Magicks?

Vaan: Because she can take major dookies and they end up being Optimus Prime and Ultra Magnus?

Everyone but Basch slowly turn at Vaan because of what he said.

Vaan: One time. I had lizard poop.

Basch: Sweet, me too.

Ashe: Praise to Allah, how did we end up with two miraculously incompetent morons?

Famfrit the Darkening Cloud: (Whispers to Zalera the Death-Seraph.) I think we should just let them kill each other.

Zodiark: You fools! Fran carries the key to destroying Hume kind! Her son will end up as the arduous dictator known as Badonkadonk Bunansa and force all to watch Robot Chicken!

Balthier: So?

Zodiark: What do you mean, so? Robot Chicken sucks!

Penelo: Now, now. Robot Chicken does not suck. It's quite a funny television program.

Ashe: I bet you stupid Espers watch Ricki Lake.

Zeromus the Condemner: Hell no! You're talking about Chaos!

Chaos the Walker of the Wheel: (Meditating on his pedestal.) Just because I don't wear women's panties when I go clubbing, doesn't mean I watch talk shows.

Zodiark: Is no one listening to me!

Basch: I am. (Picking his nose.)

Zodiark: Let me rephrase. Is no one of importance listening to me?!

Fran: It's a girl.

Everyone, including the Espers, turn their attentions to Fran. While they were bickering amongst themselves, Fran silently gave birth to a baby girl. She was leaning against the wall, cradling the infant in her arms. Fortunately, despite having Viera ears, she didn't seem disturbed with the commotion.

Balthier: Sweet Jesus, mother of Ghandi!

Vaan: I'm going to faint! (Faints.)

Penelo: Wow, Fran! She's so cute!

Ashe: (In tears.) So adorable! How did you give birth without making any sounds?

Fran: We Viera **are** a mysterious race.

Noah: You know. This turned out to be great after all.

Larsa: Such a beautiful epilogue. (Wipes away a tear.)

Vossler: Oh, man. Good luck, Balthier.

Balthier: Eh?

Fran: You're going to be changing her.

Balthier: Wait, why me?

Fran: You knocked me up.

Zodiark: Well, it's a girl. I guess we do watch too much Oprah. So much for an apocalyptic prophecy. (Leaves with the other Espers.)

Penelo: Can I hold her?

Fran: Okay. (Hands Penelo the baby.)

Penelo: Kawaii!

Ashe: Sugoi!

Vaan: Oishii!

Everyone stares in disbelief at Vaan.

Basch: Cannibal! En guarde! (Withdraws the Green Power Ranger's daggerflute.)

Penelo: What are you going to name her, Fran?

Fran: ...

Fran: (Looks at Balthier.)

Balthier: What?

Ashe: Name her!

Larsa: Yeah, name her!

Vossler and Noah: Name her, name her, name her!

Balthier: I'll think of something, shut up!

Penelo: (Notices the baby begins to cry because Balthier raises his voice.) Balthier!

Fran: Balthier Demen Bunansa!

Balthier: What about... Rambo?

Noah: What are you, stupid?

Balthier: Medusa?

Fran: What are you implying? That my baby is ugly?!

Balthier: Fine. I surrender.

Noob Saibot: Aha! I have found you, Basch fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca!

Basch: You won't get away with this, you Noob!

Noob Saibot: Round One! Fight! Iboughtacar! (Lunges at Basch.)

Basch lunging back at Noob Saibot: Lookatmefly!

Ashe: What...

Vaan: I don't understand! This world doesn't make sense now! WhatamIgoingtodo?

Penelo: Who's a little cutie? Yes you are! Yes you are! YES YOU ARE! (Baby pukes on Penelo.)

Fran: She likes you.

Ashe: If she craps on you, Penelo, she likes you. Likes you a lot.

Balthier: I have it! Nabongshit Igus Taclacubong.

Noob Saibot holds his eye: Icannotsee!

Basch: Oh, how irony be a cruel mistress upon my foe.

Larsa: Wow. That is the smartest thing you've said all fanfiction.

Noob Saibot: Vengeance! (Throws the Scorpion Tail at Basch.)

Drace, Zargabaath, Bergan and Emperor Gramis: (Jumps in front of Basch.) Nooooooooooooo!

All of the Judge Magisters get impaled by the Scorpion Tail and fall to the ground. Their bodies explode upon impact, and Drace's head lands in front of Basch's feet.

Drace: I have saved you... my love.

Basch: Why, Drace?! Why!?

Bergan: Thank you, Gods. I no longer have to deal another second with an idiot leader.

Zargabaath: You know, you guys suck. Why did you have to attach a magnet to her armour?

Emperor Gramis: Larsa's gay. (Dies.)

Larsa: Yes, well, that explains a lot from a man who got killed from an Estrogen overdose.

Vayne suddenly joins the group.

Vayne: What? Who said I was the one who poisoned him with Estrogen?

Larsa: You did.

Vayne: That's right.

Balthier: I give up. What's a good name?

Noob Saibot: For what?

Balthier: Our daughter.

Noob Saibot: Oh. Just give her some fancy name. Like Lightning.

Fran: Lightning?...

Balthier: Yeah, that sounds too stupi--

Fran: I like it! Lightning it is! (Hugs the baby.)

Balthier: Lightning Bunansa. Not a bad name.

Noob Saibot: Well, no use for me sticking around. Hop on, Vayne! (Climbs on his Noob-Smoke motorcycle.)

Vayne: Adios! Where are we going?

Noob Saibot: To Hell with Richard Simmons.

Vayne: NO! LET ME OUT!

As our brave wraith and oppressionist depart, and the group relaxes by the child named Lightning, Balthier and Fran sit close to each other. Fran lays her head on Balthier's shoulders. Balthier looks into her baby girl's eyes and she seems to be happy to recognize her father's face. She gives out a baby's giggle and grabs hold of her father's thumb.

Audience: Awww.

Vaan: It's so beautiful! And so big!

Fran: ...

Ashe: When will you ever learn to shut your mouth?

Vaan: What? You have to admit that comet heading our way is so beautiful and so big!

Larsa: Comet? Oh.

Vossler: Ah, fuck, man. And I thought we can finally end this adventure. (Draws out his sword.)

Noah: Hey, you know what's funny?

Balthier pulls out his Fomalhaut: What?

Noah: The fact that we never seem to die.

Basch: This is the end! (Tries to unsheathe the Excalibur but the scabbard breaks the belt, making his pants fall.)

Basch: For Dalmasca and Lebanon!

Fran: There, there, little one. Mommy's here. That comet won't touch you. (Lulls Lightning to sleep.)

Ashe: Such a precious girl.

Penelo: I wonder who she's going to be more like. You, or Balthier.

Vossler: I hope you all realize that while in five minutes, we're going to be obliterated from the comet descending on us while you're playing with the child.

Larsa: Live a little. It's not everyday you see Balthier going to be Fran's bitch for the next few months.

Basch: To battle! (Runs up to the comet.)

Balthier: Fran, lovely. Would you mind going inside?

Penelo: Balthier, we are inside.

Fran: I think he means the Strahl.

Ashe: Shotgun!

Vaan: Shotgun!

Vaan: Awww.

Fran: Up we go. Oooohhh, she's making bubbles already.

The girls and Vaan make their exit from the hospital without checking out and enter the Strahl. That's it. They just entered the Strahl with no more instructions because Balthier didn't tell them to leave the place. The men on the other hand go off to fight the comet for unknown reasons. Basch was the last one to reach his destination because he still hasn't learned to tie his shoes because Heaven forbid they let the legendary Captain of Dalmasca be trusted with shoelaces. During the fight, the theme song from the Lord of the Rings play and everything is barely audible. This also includes incredible slow motion, courtesy of Mewtwo.

Fran finally gave birth, but has the story ended? Will the men survive against the comet? Why are they fighting a comet anyway instead of using a Dreadnought to take it out? It's up to **YOU** to decide their fate.

**AN:** Yo'. Sorry for the hold-up, and for anybody who has this story on an alert. I finally defrosted myself and now I'm on a thirty day leave, so more or less I will be continuing this since Basch still didn't learn to tie his shoes. If anyone is wondering about the baby's name, a few of the Marines I hung out with suggested the name from another saga. Strange, I know. Still open for suggestions. Anyway, I'll try to finish this as soon as I can, and I'll try to be more humorous. But until then, stay tuned on...

**EVERYBODY LOVES BALTHIER!**


	9. Chapter 9

_Battlefield outside of the hospital._

Basch, Balthier, Noah, Vossler, Larsa, the Archadian Imperial Army, the Dalmascan Royal Army and all thirteen Espers run towards the comet for reasons of madness or stupidity. Because Basch is leading the front, it automatically makes everyone else stupid by association. Basch was the first person in line and everyone else was still running. For a man whose I.Q. ranges from 20 to 22, he appears to be blessed with running speed.

Basch: CHARGE! (Lifts up the Excalibur.)

Noah: (Playing the cavalry song on his trumpet.)

Vossler: (Slashes at the comet with Telekinesis.) Die! (Slash.) You! (Slash.) Ugly! (Slash.) Son! (Slash.) Of! (Slash.) A! (Slash.) Homo! (Slash, slash.)

Larsa: Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Who me? Couldn't be. Then who!

Balthier: (Shoots the comet repeatedly at the comet.) I think he's gone insane.

Noah: Nah. He's chanting. Observe.

Larsa: (Glowing brightly.) Success!

Larsa hurls what seems to be a large ball of focused energy at the comet. There are three pronges in front of the ball taking the shape of a dragon. After a loud impact, the comet is separated into pieces and what the group suddenly realizes is that it wasn't a comet. Instead, it was a bunch of Uruk-Hai with Sauran leading the massive army.

Basch: I know you can't carry the burden of strap-on boots and I can't carry it for you. BUT I CAN CARRY YOU! (Runs at the massive army.)

Larsa: Well, that was vain.

Noah: Oh well. He's going to die.

Balthier: Oh, please. I want to be remembered fighting a bunch of ugly cretins. (Shoots an Uruk-Hai.)

Vossler: (In a thick Jamaican accent.) Yah, mon.

_Inside of the Strahl._

Vaan: Does this thing have HBO?

Ashe: (Pulls Vaan's hair.) Praise be to Allah, shut up for once!

Penelo: Look! Balthier's fighting against Uruk-Hai!

Fran: Aw. That's cute. Your daddy's fighting ugly cretins. (Bounces Lightning up and down.)

Vaan: Hey, that guy looks like Reks.

_Battlefield._

Reks: (Cutting down a few Uruk-Hai with his Zwill Blade.) Nineteen! Twenty! Twenty-one! Twenty-two!

_The Strahl._

Penelo, Ashe: That **is** Reks!

Fran: I have an idea. Here, hold her. (Gives Lightning to Ashe.)

Ashe: Hey there, cutie! (Snuggles Lightning.)

Vaan: (Shrieks.) Shriek!

Penelo: Vaan, breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Good. (Pats Vaan.)

Vaan: (Panting like a dog.)

Fran: Okay, girls, hang on!

Fran pulls the throttle and the Strahl takes off towards the direction of the battle. In the back of the vessel is a cargo container that had nuclear bombs inside of it. The theme song from Indiana Jones plays. When that was over, the Jurassic Park theme song plays. Then Vaan puts in his mixed CD of Spice Girls and O-Town and island music from Guam.

_Guam._

Renegade Zabuza Momochi: (Types down a few letters.) ... island music from Guam. What's next?

Taki: (Swirls her hand on the silky blanket.) Come back to bed.

Renegade Zabuza Momochi: I need to finish this chapter before I-- what the... how did I end up here again?

Taki: (Jumps on Renegade Zabuza Momochi.) Oh, you Guamanian beastie, you!

Renegade Zabuza Momochi: Rape!

_The Strahl._

Fran: Well, that was odd.

Ashe: The author's from Guam?

Vaan: What's a Guam?

Penelo: Remember? We went there during our vacation and you proposed to me at Two Lovers' Point?

Vaan: Wait, we're engaged? Homigod!

Ashe: Penelo, you're a good friend and all, but why did you pick Vaan?

Penelo: He's corny. Plus, he's straight.

Ashe: (Sobs.) Rassler! You ambiguous homo!

Penelo: Oh, it's okay, Ashe! I'm sure you'll find some nice Muslim guy. (Hugs Ashe.)

Ashe: Really? (Gives Penelo her puppy dog eyes.)

Vaan: No.

Fran, Penelo and Ashe: Shut up!

The baby cries.

Fran: Look at what you did, Vaan!

Vaan: I didn't mean to! What did I do?

Ashe: Nevermind.

Penelo: Look! We're here! What is Basch doing?

Fran: Seems to me that he's tying his shoes. Or he's attempting to.

Ashe: How in Ivalice's asses does he dodge all of those arrows?

Penelo: There's Balthier!

Vaan: Hey, he picked up a fine woman.

Fran: (Has steam coming out of her ears.)

Ashe and Penelo: He gone done it now.

Vaan: I did something right for once. (Smiles with satisfaction.)

Ashe: Shut up! (Slaps Vaan.)

Fran: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALTHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

_Down below._

Balthier: So you're saying that this will eliminate the Uruk-Hai? (Holding an RPG.)

Nina Williams: Trust me. Have I ever let you down?

Balthier: We just met.

Fran: (Yelling through the Strahl's speaker.) BALTHIER DEMEN BUNANSA!

Balthier: Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

Fran: What, picking up OTHER WOMEN?

Balthier: Eh?

Balthier looks at Nina curling her legs all over him.

Balthier: Oh. Move, bitch! Get out tha' way!

Vossler: You are so getting your ass handed to you.

Noah: And your balls lodged down your throat.

Balthier: My ass handed to me? Yes. My balls lodged down my throat? No. Fran loves them.

Larsa: You sick ass bastard.

Balthier: I'm talking about playing basketball.

Basch: Success! Now I can march to battle! (Falls down after he takes a step. His shoes were tied, but they were tied together.)

Basch: I'm okay.

Vossler: Man, I'm tired. I'm seeing uglies everywhere.

_The Strahl._

Fran: (Choking Vaan.) GRRRRAAAARRRR!

Penelo: Franny, calm down. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Ashe: Awww, look at your mommy beat the living daylights out of Vaan Rat's-Ass.

Fran: He's going to get it when I get down there. That cheating scoundrel! Just hit and split, that's how they are! (Tightens her grip on Vaan's neck.)

Ashe: You might want to take it out on Balthier instead of Vaan. (Holds Lightning in the air.)

Fran: What? Oh. Sorry, Vaan Rats-Bane.

Vaan: Jesus! My last name is not Rats-Bane.

Penelo: Come to think of it, only Vaan and I didn't have our last names confirmed. I'm writing a letter to Square Enix.

Ashe: Fran, did you eat anything strange before or after you got pregnant?

Fran: Not recently.

Ashe: Do you Viera have weird powers?

Fran: No. Why?

Ashe: Okay. Then can you tell Lightning to put me down, please! (Is floating in the air because Lightning is gifted with telekinetic abilities.)

Fran: Oh, baby! Mommy is so proud of you!

Ashe: FRAN!

Fran: Oh, right. Lightning, put her down.

Penelo: That's odd. You usually learn Telekinesis when you go to magick shops.

Vaan: I'll take you to my magick shops. I sell Black and White because that's all I got. Go ahead and Scourge and don't you stop. My nipples are about to pop. Whoa!

Fran: ...

Ashe: ...

Penelo: Vaan, sit.

Van sits.

Fran: Now what?

Ashe: I don't know, you're the main character.

Penelo: Well, her and Balthier anyway.

Fran: I'm not going down there. I'm fighting for child custody!

Ashe: Oh! Can I be the nanny?

Penelo: Oh, come on, Fran. At least give him time to make up an excuse. It's more fun that way.

Fran: I guess. I mean...

Fran, Ashe and Penelo: Everybody loves Balthier.

The audience laughs.

_The battlefield._

Down below the Strahl, the battle ensues. Though Basch hasn't learned to tie his shoes just yet, he charges forward with vigor, intensity and most importantly, the stupidity because he's running towards a line of archers aiming just for Basch alone. Vossler, Noah, Balthier and Larsa were with the rest of the combined armies with their shields covering them. King Leonidas leaps out of nowhere and throws a spear at Sauran. The spear misses, though it does tear his skin right off of his face.

King Leonidas: I promised to make you bleed! (Dies for reasons unknown.)

Basch: For Dalmasca and for oppressed ants everywhere!

Cast of A Bug's Life: That will be fifty dollars for stealing a line from Pixar Animation.

Basch: Spartans!

King Leonidas: (Raises his middle finger.)

Basch: Attack!

Unknown to Basch, a large wave of Espers run at the enemy because of their time limit. They each did their Limit Breakers of desperation. It narrowed down Sauran's army but it was still pretty large. The entire Dalmascan and Archadian front plus Balthier, Larsa, Vossler and Noah: 300. Sauran's army: 50,000. ESPN was on the sidelines capturing the event and Basch is the marker in the middle. Everyone placed their bets. Let's see what Fran and the rest are up to.

_The Strahl._

Fran: I got dibs on Balthier dying first.

Ashe: I say it's Larsa.

Penelo: I think they'll all die. Equality is the best quality.

Vaan: I say, it's whoever isn't Hume dies first!

Penelo, Ashe and Fran stare at Vaan, who didn't realize Fran isn't Hume and that Lightning is half Hume.

What happens next? Find out next time on Harry Potsmoker.

Sike. Stay tuned on...

**EVERYBODY LOVES BALTHIER!**

**AN:** A few more and this will be over. Don't worry, Franky-chan. I'll come up with valible reasons to make this story make sense.


	10. Chapter 10

_The battlefield._

Balthier: (Hiding behind a shield.) Noah, I must ask. Is Basch mentally retarded?

Noah: (Also hiding behind a shield.) That's a strong word, Balthier. I think educationally challenged is more fitting.

Larsa: (Another one who's also hiding behind a shield.) It's surprising that you two got along after I took over the Empire.

Vossler gets up and tosses his shield aside.

Vossler: You have a point. Hey, Basch! Get over here!

Basch: But I must defeat the army of Sauran! This is for Dalmasca and Lebanon!

Balthier: What in the living hell is Lebanon? It's not even on the damn map.

Basch: Actually, it's a small country in the Middle East.

Vossler and Larsa: Wow.

Balthier: You moron, I'm talking about the Final Fantasy XII map.

Basch: It matters not! The armies will overpower Ivalice if we do not fight back!

Balthier: Renegade Zabuza Momochi, you're the author, right? Can't you just make them disappear?

Renegade Zabuza Momochi: Who? Sauran's army? Where's the fun in that?

Balthier: People are expecting to have a much better story than some lousy--

Balthier gets shocked by Lightning.

_The Strahl._

Fran: Good baby! Mommy loves you! (Snuggles Lightning.)

Ashe: I thought everybody loved Balthier?

Vaan: I smell dookie.

Penelo: Is it changing time, Vaan?

Vaan: I don't think it's me this time. I can smell dookie big time.

Fran: (Sniffs Lightning.) Well, it isn't her.

Ashe: Vaan's right, what is that smell? (Sniffs the air.)

Penelo: I don't know, but I'm starting to suffocate.

_Back to the battlefield._

Basch: At long last, my enemies have fallen by utilizing the Dookiemeister Technique 109!

Larsa: (Covering his nose.) Put your damn pants on! And wipe your ass!

Vossler hurls over to the side and begins to puke.

Balthier: (Wipes off the ashes on his body after getting shocked.) Well, at least Sauran's armies are slowly deteriorating.

Noah: (Covering his nose with a clothes-pin.) The 'secret weapon' Basch used was disgusting, though. Brother, wipe your ass and put your pants back on!

Basch: Hang on, I need to tie my shoes. For some reason, they were tied a few chapters back. Don't know how they were untied. (Bends over.)

Balthier, Vossler, Larsa and Noah: MY EYES!

_The Strahl._

Penelo: Is Basch doing what I think he is?

Fran: If he's mooning us, I'm going to have to shoot him.

Ashe: Ew! Basch just took a shat on the battlefield!

Vaan: Cool! I want to see!

Penelo and Ashe tie Vaan down to his seat.

Penelo: No, Vaan! No!

Vaan: You guys are doo-doo heads!

Fran: I may as well land the Strahl.

Fran lands the Strahl down on the battlefield where Vossler, Larsa, Noah and Balthier quickly run into the ship.

Balthier: I am going to have nightmares for the next seventeen years.

Fran, Ashe and Penelo: Seventeen?

Balthier: Lightning will be sixteen by then and will star in the next edition of Final Fantasy. She'll be able to drive at that time.

Larsa: Good innovations, but what does that have to do with the terrible sight we just witnessed?

Basch in the distance: I can't tie my shoes! Can somebody help me?

Everyone in the Strahl: NO!

Basch: Why the hell not?

Ashe: You stink!

Basch: And you're a slut!

Ashe: At least I don't smell like cow dung!

Basch: Hah! So you admit that you're a slut.

Ashe: W-what? I-... I didn't mean that! Urgh! (Stomps to the other side of the Strahl and sits down, folding her arms.)

Balthier: Ah, forget it. Let's just head back to Archades. (Prepares to take off.)

Basch: (Running at the flying Strahl with his pants dangling between his legs.) Wait! You forgot about me!

_Ten minutes later, the group returns to Archades._

Balthier: Okay, now we have to go to the hospital and register Lightning's name.

Larsa: We'll be in the waiting room while you and Fran handle the paperwork.

Fran: I have to see how much the baby weighs first.

Balthier: For what?

Fran: It's a mother thing.

_One hour later..._

Noah: What's taking them so long?

Penelo: It must be a hard process just to register Lightning in.

Ashe: Is it me or does everybody find it odd that they named her Lightning? I mean, of all the people, Noob Saibot suggested it.

Vaan: According to my fortune teller, Lightning will be the main protagonist for Final Fantasy XIII.

Penelo: You're not talking about Miss Cleo, are you?

Vaan: No way! I'm talking about the Butabi brothers! (Smiles.)

Ashe: Butabi brothers?

Larsa: (Smacks himself.)

Vossler: A Night at the Roxbury was a good movie.

Noah: WHAT IS LOVE?!

Basch enters the hospital's waiting room, panting. He has his pants on. Then he suddenly falls to the floor, still gasping for air.

Basch: You guys forgot about me!

Noah: Actually, no. We didn't want our lungs to be contaminated by your feces.

Larsa: You did wipe your ass, right?

Basch: Of course! I have proof! (Holds up the tissue papers that are smeared with poo.)

Ashe's face turns green, Penelo pukes on Vaan, Vaan pukes on Larsa, Larsa pukes on Vossler and Noah narrowly avoids being puked on by Vossler, but accidentally runs his hand on the tissue paper that Basch was holding.

Noah: Oh, hell no...

Basch: Hey, we're brothers. It's okay.

Noah: You're right. Smell your poo.

Basch places the tissue paper in front of his nose and gives it a sniff. Noah slaps the hand that Basch is holding up against his nose, causing it to collide with Basch's face, sloshing all of the crap on Basch.

Noah: Hey, we're brothers. (Rolls eyes.)

Basch: I... smell... DOODIE!

Noah: ...

Noah: (Heads for the exit.) I'm going to wash my hands.

Vossler: Ahaha.

Larsa: You have some corn on your poo.

Basch: Really? (Picks the corn off from his face and begins to put it in his mouth.)

Ashe and Penelo: Basch! Don't!

Basch eats the corn: Mmm'mm. Corn.

Vaan: How does it taste?

Everyone but Basch slowly turns to Vaan.

Vaan: What?

Basch: It tastes like roasted pork beans, actually.

Ashe: You are so gross.

Penelo: Agreed.

Larsa: No comment. Aside from all of the commotion, what _is_ taking Balthier and Fran so long?

_Draklor Laborator's office._

Balthier: What do you mean I can't have her registered? She's a damn baby!

Dr. Cid: According to our policies, she has to be born here in order to be registered as an Archadian, Ffamran.

Balthier: Will you stop calling me that! Sweet Lord in Heaven!

Fran: Balthier's right, she-- wait. Ffamran?

Balthier: That idiot father of mine named me. (Points at Dr. Cid.)

Fran: And you say Gyorknrk was a funny name.

Balthier: Love, now is not the time to make fun of my birth name.

Fran: On the contrary, yes it is.

Dr. Cid: Where did you get the name Lightning from anyway?

Fran and Balthier: Noob.

Dr. Cid: Who?

Fran: Noob Saibot.

Dr. Cid: Noob Saibot? I can see why your daughter has a weird name.

Lightning cries.

Balthier: You imbecile. (Smacks Dr. Cid on the back of his head.)

Fran: Can we please just get back to the point?

Dr. Cid: Oh, right. She has to have been born on Archadian territory in order to be registered as an Archadian citizen.

Balthier: Jesus Christ, you're dumb. She was born on Archades. That **is** Archadian territory. And I **am** an Archadian citizen. That automatically makes Lightning an Archadian.

Dr. Cid: What about Fran?

Balthier: Fran has nothing to do with her citizenship except giving birth on the Imperial City of Archades' Hospital!

Fran: I'm an Archadian citizen as well, Balthier.

Balthier: I know that!

Dr. Cid: You don't have to get mad. You could have said that in the beginning.

Fran and Balthier: ...

_Waiting room._

Vaan: (Reading the Daily Archadian.) Huh, listen to this. "Emperor Gramis dies again by an Estrogen overdose after farting ten consecutive times during his speech at Old Archades. Judge Faggoth was the head minister during the burial. Vayne Solidor is nowhere to be found." Talk about randomness.

Ashe: I didn't know you can read, Vaan.

Penelo: Oh, he has his smart moments.

Noah enters the waiting room with freshly clean hands: What did I miss?

Vossler: Not much. You've only been gone for a few minutes.

Noah: It took me half an hour to wash my hands clean. Where did Basch go?

Larsa: I believe he went down to Footlocker to get smaller shoes.

Noah: What's the point in that?

Vossler: Basch said that if he can find shoes that are tight enough, they would hug his feet and there would be no need to tie his shoes in the first place.

Noah: What the...

Larsa: Yes, it's very idiotic.

_Footlocker._

Basch: Do you have these in size six? (Holds up a pair of G-Units.)

Footlocker Salesclerk: Yes, we do, but wouldn't they be too tight for you, sir?

Basch: Duh.

Footlocker Salesclerk: Wouldn't you prefer a shoe size that would fit?

Basch: No. I demand a size six! Do you know who I am?

Footlocker Salesclerk: Paul Phoenix?

Basch: No! I am Judge Magister Gabranth of the 9th Bureau!

Footlocker Salesclerk: Oh, my apologies, Your Honor! (Runs over to the storage room.)

Basch: My plan is working. Bwuahaha.

_Waiting room._

Penelo: Does anyone else feel that this fan fiction is very odd?

Ashe: Odd as in what?

Penelo: Oh, I don't know. I read the summary. You were supposed to be a Muslim--

Ashe: I've converted already.

Penelo: --Vaan and I are engaged, Basch needs to learn how to tie his shoes and Balthier and Fran just had a baby. Is there some plot here that we should know about?

Vossler: Penelo has a point. Hey, author, how long is this fan fic supposed to be, anyway?

Renegade Zabuza Momochi: I'm not the one who makes the decisions. It's the fans, as long as they get lovely reviews.

Larsa: That would explain all of the random appearances.

Sephiroth: You can say for yourself.

Noah: You look familiar.

Sephiroth: Name's Sephiroth. First Class SOLDIER and antagonist of Final Fantasy VII.

Vossler: What are you doing here?

Sephiroth: I live here.

Ashe: In Archades? I thought you were stationed in Midgar.

Sephiroth: It got boring. Plus, beating Cloud Strife over and over isn't as fun as it used to be.

Larsa: Well, that explains everything. Sort of.

Sephiroth: Besides, I heard Vincent Valentine was here earlier with Squall Leonhart.

Vossler: And Siegfried.

Larsa: And Mitsurugi.

Noah: And Jin.

Sephiroth: Wow. Talk about insane randomness.

Vaan: You can say that again.

Ashe: Wow, Vaan, your intelligence is starting to shine.

Vaan: (Watching Jerry Springer.) You can say that again.

Penelo: Okay, maybe not.

Ashe: I wonder what Balthier and Fran are doing.

_Draklor Laboratory's office._

Balthier: WOULD YOU JUST REGISTER HER DAMN NAME?!

Dr. Cid: But are you sure you want to name her Lightning?

Fran and Balthier: YES!

Dr. Cid: Fiiine. (Registers Lightning's name into the population of Archadia.)

Dr. Cid: All set and done.

Fran: What about the baby's weight?

Dr. Cid: Let me see. Ah, here we go. Nine pounds, six ounces.

Balthier: At least she's healthy.

Dr. Cid: Her immune system won't work at its maximum capacity until she's a year old, so you two should be very careful about what you feed her, the surroundings, the germs, the things she touches...

Balthier: Okay, we get it, old fart. Come, Fran, let's return to the others.

Fran: Who's a good baby? Yes you are! Yes you are! (Presses her cheek against Lightning's.)

_Footlocker._

Basch: It will fit, trust me! (Is attempting to fit his thirteen inch foot into the size six shoe.)

Footlocker Salesclerk: Your Honor, I really do insist you get a shoe that's your size.

Basch: (Stares at the salesclerk with green eyes.) Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me if I'm angry.

_Waiting room._

Balthier and Fran exits the office and enters the waiting room.

Larsa: Finally! I honestly thought we were going to endure one of Vaan's stupid magick tricks.

Vaan: (Pulls a Dreamhare out of the wormhole of the magick Scathe.) Ta-da!

Balthier: Blame that no good of a father of mine. He's incredulous stupidity kept us.

Fran: You shouldn't blame him that much, Ffamran. He probably just wanted to spend some time with you. And us. (Holds Lightning.)

Vossler, Larsa and Noah: Ffamran?

Balthier: Don't ask. Say, whatever happened to Basch? I can smell him, for some reason.

Penelo: He's at Footlocker.

Balthier: We have a Footlocker at Draklor?

Ashe: Apparently.

Vaan: I can smell poo.

Penelo: Vaan, now is not the time for your silly antics.

Vaan: No, really! I can smell poo! It's pretty close.

Ashe: Oh, just shut up! Waaaiiit. He's right.

Fran: Uh oh. I think Lightning needs a changing. Balthier, go to the restroom and change her.

Balthier: Hold on, woman. Why me?

Fran: Balthier.

Balthier: Fran.

Fran: Baaalthiiieeer.

Balthier: Oh, come on!

Lightning cries.

Fran: FFAMRAN! GO CHANGE HER, OR GODS HELP ME, I'LL MURDER YOUR ASS!

Ashe: Calm down, tiger!

Vossler: Ahhh...

Larsa and Noah: ... hahahaha.

Balthier: This is not my day. Seriously. I thought everybody loved me.

Penelo: Balthier! She really needs to be changed!

Balthier: Ah, fuck it. I'll be right back. Come, baby girl. (Carries Lightning and heads to the nearest restroom.)

Sephiroth: That was funny.

Sephiroth suddenly goes pale.

Sephiroth: I need to use the restroom, too. I think I might have taken a laxative. (Runs towards the boys' restroom.)

Vaan: I want to go! (Runs after Sephiroth.)

Vossler: Why is he going?

Penelo: I don't know why, but Vaan has a fascination when it comes to fecal matters.

Larsa: Ah, no wonder. Still, I find that utterly digusting.

Basch enters the waiting room via blowing a hole through the wall.

Basch: BASCH SMASH!

The story hasn't ended and a plot has yet to be revealed. Stay tuned.

**AN:** Running low on ideas, but I've at least updated. Reviews will be flattering.


End file.
